Understanding Domestic Violence

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence, is a recurring, chronic, deliberate pattern of behaviors perpetuated by one partner (or former partner) to gain power and maintain control over another in a relationship. It affects individuals from all backgrounds — regardless of age, gender identity, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, economic status, education, or religion. Domestic violence comprises any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, or injure someone, and may include emotional, financial, physical, psychological, sexual, and spiritual abuse.

Although the frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically, the single constant is one partner’s perpetual efforts to maintain power and control over the other. For survivors, the ongoing exposure to abuse and the resulting trauma can have devastating and long-lasting effects on their physical, mental, and emotional health. The journey to safely leave and fully heal from an abusive relationship will be different for each person and will take time, space, and support.

If you or someone you know needs help, call our 24-hour confidential crisis hotline at 619.234.3164

Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

There is no one typical, detectable personality of an abuser. In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. However, they do often display common characteristics. An abuser often denies the existence, or minimizes the seriousness, of the violence and its effect on the victim and other family members. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:

• Wants to know where you are and who you’re with all of the time — frequently calling, texting and emailing you throughout the day.
• Displays jealous or possessive tendencies, but says that they are only trying to protect you or it’s because they love you.
• Checks your phone, email, or social networks without your permission, or forces you to share them.
• Wants you all to themselves insisting that you stop spending time with your friends or family, or stop participating in activities you enjoyed before the relationship.
• Prevents or discourages you from working, attending school, or making any of your own decisions.
• Threatens to hurt you, your children, your loved ones, or your pets.
• Threatens to hurt themselves because they are upset with you.
• Controls your money, refuses to give you money for necessary expenses, or doesn’t allow you to make any financial decisions.
• Criticizes or puts you down; makes comments about you being stupid, unattractive, can’t do anything right, or that no one else would ever love you.
• Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful.
• Forces you to have sex when you don’t want to.
• Rages out of control with you, but can maintain composure around others.
• Makes you feel unable or fearful of making decisions without their approval.
• Takes no responsibility for their behavior and blames you or others.

What to do if you are in an abusive relationship

Getting out of an abusive or violent relationship may not be easy. Maybe you’re still hoping that things will change or you’re afraid of what your partner will do if they discover you’re trying to leave.

Planning for your safety is critically important. Leaving an abuser can be the most dangerous time in a relationship. If you’re thinking about escaping an abusive environment, the decision to do so can be difficult. You may feel ashamed, fearful, and helpless. Please know that you are not alone and there is support available for you.

When it is safe, call our confidential 24-hour domestic violence hotline at 619.234.3164. One of our YWCA counselors will help you develop a safety plan, understand your options, and connect you with resources, including shelter, legal services, and other support.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

How to help someone who is in an abusive relationship

It is always difficult to see someone you care about get hurt. If you suspect someone you know is in an abusive relationship, recognize that they may not be ready to talk about it or ask for help. Let them know that you are concerned and refer them to a domestic violence organization, such as YWCA, for more information when they are ready.

Offer your compassion and support by listening without judgment, expressing your concern, reassuring them, and respecting their decisions:

• Acknowledge that they are in a very difficult and scary situation, be supportive and listen. Let them know that the abuse is not their fault. Victims are not responsible for their partner’s choices or violence, and do not deserve more shame.
• Be honest by letting them know that you are concerned for their safety. They may not respond right away and may even get defensive or deny the abuse. Let them know you want to help and will be there to support them whenever they are ready to talk.
• Reassure them that they are not alone and that there is help and support available for them. Do not be critical of the abusive partner. Instead, reinforce your belief that violence and abuse are never acceptable.
• Do not assume that the victim is ready to leave the relationship or that you know what is best for them. Offer your support even if they do not take steps that seem logical to you. Remember, they are the expert on their own situation.
• Be non-judgmental. People may choose to leave or stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. From the outside it can be difficult to understand, but it is important to make sure the victim feels empowered to make their own decisions and knows you will continue to offer your help no matter what they decide.
• For the safety and comfort of the victim, make sure you speak to them in a private place and away from the abusive partner.
• Remember that you cannot “rescue” them. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately, they are the one who has to make the decisions about what they want to do. It is important that you support them no matter what they decide, and help them find a way to safety and peace.
• Do not underestimate the potential danger. Frequently, the most dangerous time for a victim is when they leave the abuser. If you fear for their safety, call 911 immediately.