Continued…
So conditioned had she become through her husband's mental abuse that her main concern was for him, not herself. He was nowhere to be found, but Kathy busied herself trying to locate him and take care of his needs. "My job in our relationship was to take care of him," she says.

Kathy stayed in her abusive relationship for 23 years. She lied to her friends and co-workers about her bruises, lied to the police when they came to the door. "Domestic violence is like a drug addiction," she says. "And I think it's the hardest to break. Because the good times - whether they last a week or a month - in your head, they far outweigh the bad." Kathy's ultimate goal was to keep the family together, and she endured the abuse to preserve her dream. "I came from a broken home, so I wanted my family together. I wanted to grow old with him. I had my picket fence, a gorgeous home." She would do anything to keep it all intact.

Mike's outbursts were unpredictable; any little thing could set him off. Kathy recalls him exploding when the kids beat him at horseshoes, or when he thought she was being too chatty with telemarketers on the phone. Kathy is a talkative person with a bold sense of humor, but Mike never approved of her socializing, or even working. "Mike didn't like me to work," she recalls. "When I had a job I enjoyed, soon I didn't have a job any more." Kathy says this is a classic aspect of domestic violence - isolating the victim from the outside world. When Mike's job required him to leave town for part of each week, Kathy was able to see friends and be social, and realized that people really liked her personality. "When Mike went away for work, people knew me as a different person. But when Thursday came, we shut the door."
In the weeks after the shooting, Kathy's situation deteriorated. "They say I was having a nervous breakdown," she says. She began drinking, and got arrested for an incident in a liquor store. That arrest, however, turned out to be a blessing in disguise. After one night in jail, Kathy got help from the Women's Resource Center in Oceanside, and later, got accepted to the Passages program at the YWCA of San Diego County.

Passages begins with 90 days of stabilization and group therapy. Kathy says that is "the best thing anyone can go through in life." She learned self-respect, boundaries, and communication skills. "Your bruises heal, but the emotional stuff keeps going," she explains. "When you're told you're worthless for so long, you believe it. I didn't think I could be working and paying my own rent. If it were not for the Y, I don't know where I would be." Passages also provides clients with the resources they need to become self sufficient, including legal services, education, career counseling, a bank account, and financial advice.

Approximately 100 women participate in the two-year program at a given time. Passages has an 85 percent success rate in finding employment and permanent housing for its clients. "Through Passages, you start over, from the bottom up," says Kathy.

Kathy is now consistently employed and paying her own rent and bills through the Y's Supported Independent Living program, which also requires its residents to save money from each paycheck. "They are there to help you every step of the way," she says. "If you need something, they will find the answer."

Kathy has also just finished training to become a victims' advocate, and plans to study further in this area. "I have so many resources now, and I've helped several ladies at the Y already," she says with a smile

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