Frequently Asked Questions
Explore our FAQ to learn about domestic violence and YWCA’s resources for survivors. For more information, visit Shelter, Housing & Support Services, Understanding Domestic Violence, and Community Resources.
Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence, is a recurring and deliberate pattern of abusive behaviors by one partner (or former partner) over another to gain power and maintain control in a relationship. The frequency and severity of abuse may vary over time — often escalating — and may be physical, sexual, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and/or financial. Domestic violence can include any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, or injure someone.
Domestic violence does not discriminate and affects people from all backgrounds — regardless of age, gender identity, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, economic status, education, or religion.
If you or someone you know needs help, call our 24-hour confidential crisis hotline at 619.234.3164
There is no one typical, detectable personality of an abuser. In fact, many abusive partners may appear to be an ideal partner during the early stages of a relationship. However, abusers tend to display common characteristics. An abuser often denies the existence or minimizes the seriousness of their unhealthy behaviors and their effect on the victim and other family members. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.
Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:
- Wants to know where you are and who you’re with all of the time — frequently calling, texting, and emailing you throughout the day.
- Displays jealous or possessive tendencies, but says that they are only trying to protect you or it’s because they love you.
- Checks your phone, email, or social networks without your permission, or forces you to share them.
- Wants you all to themselves — insisting that you stop spending time with your friends or family, or stop participating in activities you enjoyed before the relationship.
- Prevents or discourages you from working, attending school, or making any of your own decisions.
- Threatens to hurt you, your children, your loved ones, or your pets.
- Threatens to hurt themselves because they are upset with you.
- Controls your money, refuses to give you money for necessary expenses, or doesn’t allow you to make any financial decisions.
- Criticizes or puts you down; makes comments about you being stupid, unattractive, can’t do anything right, or that no one else would ever love you.
- Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful.
- Forces you to have sex when you don’t want to.
- Rages out of control with you, but can maintain composure around others.
- Makes you feel unable or fearful of making decisions without their approval.
- Takes no responsibility for their behavior and blames you or others.
Planning for your safety is critically important. Leaving an abuser can be the most dangerous time in a relationship. If you’re thinking about escaping an abusive relationship, the decision to do so can be difficult. You may feel ashamed, fearful, and helpless. Please know that you are not alone and there is support available for you.
When it is safe, call our confidential 24-hour domestic violence hotline at 619.234.3164. One of our YWCA counselors will help you develop a safety plan, understand your options, and connect you with resources, including shelter, legal services, and other support.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.
It is always difficult to see someone you care about get hurt. If you suspect someone you know is in an abusive relationship, recognize that they may not be ready to talk about it or ask for help. Let them know that you are concerned and refer them to a domestic violence organization, such as YWCA, for more information when they are ready.
Offer your support and listen without judgment:
- “I care about you and I’m here for you if you want to talk.”
- “I’m always here to help whenever you are ready.”
- “What can I do to support you?”
Express your concern for their safety and let them know that the abuse is not their fault:
- “I’m worried about you and I’m afraid you’ll really get hurt.”
- “You don’t deserve to be treated this way. This is not your fault.”
- “It’s not okay for someone to do or say those things.”
Reassure them and let them know that there is help and support available:
- “You’re not alone. If you need to talk, you can always come to me.”
- “There are domestic violence agencies that can provide confidential shelter and support for you and your children.”
- “I can help you contact them when you are ready.”
Respect their decision and do not assume that you know what is best for them. There are many reasons why victims may stay in abusive relationships. They may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize their decisions or try to guilt them. Victims are not responsible for their partner’s behaviors and they do not deserve more shame. It’s important for you to support them, no matter what they decide, and help them find a way to safety when they are ready. To learn more about how to help, click here.
If you or someone you know needs help, call our 24-hour confidential crisis hotline at 619.234.3164.
Becky’s House® is the name of a domestic violence program of YWCA of San Diego County and refers to our emergency shelter services for survivors.
YWCA opened our emergency shelter in 1978 and renamed the program to Becky’s House® in 1999, in honor of a survivor who called the local Jeff and Jer radio show for help. “Becky” was trapped in an abusive relationship and feared for her life. Her call inspired an outpouring of community support that raised funds to help her safely escape and begin a new life.
YWCA of San Diego County serves all genders of adults and their children through our domestic violence and homelessness programs.
Please visit our Shelter, Housing & Support Services page for more information on our programs and services. If you need immediate assistance, please call our 24-hour crisis hotline at 619.234.3164.
